slip-sliding away…..

It’s been a challenging year so far, with various circumstances stifling my spirit and frustrating me. And I’ve learnt to live with these factors – even though I don’t like them – because I know that they can’t be permanent (despite the sheer duration of some things). Life goes in cycles of ups and downs; hardships and ease. And, as I must remind myself, triggers are teachers.

So I plod along and try to make something positive out of the malaise I feel I’ve been drifting in all these months. I’m trying to give myself some space to re-ignite my creativity – even if it’s in short bursts, since that’s all I can manage these days. And I really need it, because I think the sheer mental congestion of this year has really suffocated my inner world from which so much of my creative output used to come. Part of this is an attempt to work through Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way”, which has been recommended by innumerable people. And though I’m going at a snail’s pace, I feel I need to stay committed to it, because I’ve quit on too many things which I know would have made me a far better person than I currently am.

Anyway…

Here’s an unfinished piece which I wrote in mid-February this year, when the days were long, nights were short, and I was feeling utterly exhausted. I always hoped I’d be able to come back to it, polish it, and give it some kind of positive (or productive) ending, but that just never materialised. And I don’t see myself completing it, ever, so I’m putting it out here, hoping there’s something good in it. It’s been a while since I’ve put something this vulnerable out, but hey, this blog is my permanent record, and someday, I want to look back on this – hopefully from a better state of being – and be grateful for growth I hope will come after this point.

It was originally titled “42 Confessions”, and I was supposed to arrange it so that the number (my current age) would be represented in each of the insecurities / weaknesses. That obviously never materialised, and this sat as an unfinished draft for all these months.

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Old at 42

I’m tired.
So tired.
Not just lacking sleep,
but tired of life,
which you wouldn’t think…
for others have way more stress than I:
Responsibilities piled up a mile high.
And struggles far greater
(looking in from the outside)…
yet that doesn’t de-legitimise
what I’m going through.

Sometimes,
I don’t recognise this ragged stranger
staring back at me in the mirror.
The 18-year old me
certainly wouldn’t have thought he’d turn into this.

That little boy who felt too deeply.
And wanted to be part of the group,
yet was too scared to join.
In the bigger picture,
the shyness was a protection,
but at the time,
it just reinforced
the extreme insecurity
which had stalked his entire life.

At 22,
life started feeling very long.
And it’s remained that stretched ever since.

Hairline no longer receding,
but thinning hair up top,
a sign of the coming baldness…
inherited from my mother’s side
(though my brother seems to have escaped the gene).

Not as many greys as you’d think
for this age,
but I lack the strength of my contemporaries by far.

I’m thankful
that there are no more sports days at the kids’ schools,
for the embarassment of coming last
in the parent races
(or close to it)
was just a repeat of my childhood inferiority.

I’m not a manly man,
like the other dads.
I don’t braai*
or talk about cars
or politics
or finance.

I don’t camp
or cycle.
(Still can’t ride a bike.)
And I’ve never run a marathon
(even half),
nor done the major hikes
which garner likes
from legions of adoring friends
(which I don’t have either.)

And forget about home improvement.
I can barely use a drill,
and get anxiety
when the plumbing is awry.

I’m wearied by these long Summer days and short nights.
Knocked out by 9pm,
which – ironically –
was bedtime in my youth.

And pained
as I wonder
whether I have a hamstring strain…
Or is this just the permanent pain that comes with age?
This vessel still active,
but feeling the weight
of all these years on the planet.
Feeling old at 42…

* “Braai” is the South African term for barbeque.

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