slip-sliding away…..

It’s been an eventful year. One in which I’ve found myself, I suspect, truly depressed on a number of occasions. I don’t think I’ve fallen into that feeling too much in the past 10 years, but, more often than I would have liked, the challenges of 2017 pushed me into that pool of wallowing in negativity.

I had planned to start the year on a positive note, with some small but subtle resolutions that I hoped would help improve my life. That was all shattered to pieces on January 1^st, with initial drama that would later spiral to unbelievable heights. All the way until March, I was weighed down so heavily by the burdens of the situation. It sapped the optimism I had going into the new year. Mostly, the difficulties centred around my older daughter’s struggles. She’s had a torrid time ever since she reached school-going age – a never-ending process of schooling and developmental difficulties in her short time on earth…and this was yet another new circumstance. Another new school.

But, as I’ve realised before, trials are an indelible part of life, and we’ll always face them. And, true to the words of the Almighty, with hardship comes ease. The birthing pains of the new circumstances eventually subsided, and she finally settled amazingly well. Alhamdullilah.

For me, my biggest blessing this year has been my taking her to school (which had never been my regular task before this). I think back to my own school days, when my father would take me to school, and how important those moments in the car were. Sure, we didn’t talk as much as we could have (it’s a personality thing with him at times), but I appreciate his being there to take me to school, and fetch me after too. That presence in a child’s life is, to me, far more valuable than any presents you can give your child.

We get to talk about anything and everything, and I get to teach her about little things in life. I hope that, along the way, she’s absorbing all these little lessons and that she is – in some way – internalising the knowledge and values I’m passing on through these daily interactions.

It’s also good to get her feedback, and find out what’s going on in her life. Just to listen. We have proper conversations. It’s like a friendship…and that’s extra special to me, because I’ve never really had many proper friends in life. So to have this relationship with my child is amazing…especially after all the tumultuous times we’ve been through in recent years. (And you can see her first published piece of work here.)

Growing into my age

This was also a year where I became a trustee in the residential complex in which I live. An experience like nothing I’ve ever faced before…particularly because it wasn’t just taking on new responsibility, but it turned into a power struggle – a revolution of sorts – to oust the former chairperson, who many people felt had not been operating in a transparent or fair manner for many years.

I never wanted any of that drama. But it landed on my lap. And a position of leadership came with that. One which has given me a chance to use my personal qualities for the benefit of others (and my home environment), but has also given me stress like I’ve never known before.

To me, it’s weird that I’m in this position. These people – these grown ups – look to me for direction. Consult me for decisions. Like I’m an important figure. I suppose I am, because of the role…but it all just feels so strange. I’ve never been the centre of attention. Ironically, I shied away from it my whole life. And here I am, seen as the leader. It’s something I see more as a burden than a privilege. I would rather not have this role. But I need to stick it out for now.

Aside from that, I was also involved in a now-aborted project with some fairly important people in the local Muslim community. Things didn’t really move on that, but the thing that got me was that – sitting in this big boardroom with people much older people – people of influence – I didn’t feel out of place. I felt like I could contribute. Like I had something to give. My lack of self-confidence – which I’ve always suffered from – would ordinarily make me question my value as a person that can play a role in things. And I first wondered if I was worthy of being there. But I realise that I must have been…otherwise I wouldn’t have been there.

I also got to be a part of an interesting new movement that aims to inspire youth to live with purpose, and that felt a lot more comfortable, because I’ve known the founders for many years.

I mention all of this because things suddenly made sense to me very recently. Only last week did it hit me that I’m 37 years old. And I actually feel old. That’s almost 40…40 being this fabled age of maturity.

A few years back, I wondered whether I would develop more rapidly in these years leading up to 40. And now, 2 years later, I see outward changes. More activity – in this year alone. What it’s leading to, I don’t know. But the Almighty has a plan far better than what I could ever plan.

Write on

This year was also significant because a dream of a decade ago came true: 2 Islamic publications approached me to write for them – for a fee each time. Over the years, I’ve written a number of pieces for publications, but I’ve never been paid for it.

So this was very cool, because aside from me actually needing the money now (more than ever), it was a sign that I can actually make a side career out of writing in this particular field. (Though I still don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it full time.)

That streak of writing maybe also played a part in what felt like a creative revival for me. After so many years of creative dormancy, I found myself writing four new poems this year. Amazingly, three of those came within a two month window. I think, perhaps, the outpourings may also be a cathartic release after the challenges of this year, or maybe a revived spirit since I’ve actively resumed work on getting my upcoming book published (which I hope you will all acquire).

Goodbye, 2017

So as we near the end of this year, I look back on it and see it as a rollercoaster. Ups and downs, and a lot of disorientation. Things are different. Life has moved into another gear.

And I hope the coming year’s ride will be a lot smoother.

Thank you to all of you who have visited this blog over the year. I appreciate all your feedback (comments especially), and that you took the time to read and look at my stuff.

Have an awesome year-end break, and may 2018 be the greatest year of your life.