slip-sliding away…..

I am bound
by invisible strings.

They linger in my consciousness –
even in a moment of peace,
such as this one,
where I sit utterly alone in this room,
morning sun streaming in,
birds emitting somewhat subdued chirps,
while the hum of the highway forms ever-present white noise.

There’s work to be done (of course),
kids to be fetched (later),
plus the ever-present cleaning and clearing (unfortunately).

But for this moment,
I can put that all aside,
cut the strings
and simply enjoy
this brief window of solitude.

Ignoring the ringing phone
(because I know who’s calling and how unimportant that conversation is)…
Instead, staring at the window,
blinded by the star that’s strangely called the Sun;
as the morning moisture
dissipates from the window this Winter’s morning.

An immensely rare opportunity
in these days of a congested household,
brought on by the Corona curse,
which – on closer inspection –
is in some ways a blessing;
a universal event
causing much harm,
but also opening the eyes and hearts of so many,
to how life could be –
if we just stepped off the carousel of ‘normality’
and gave in
to the possibilities
of alternate modes of functioning,
thinking,
and being…
dreams brought to life
in a hazy, alternate world
which we wouldn’t have willingly entered without the push.

***

In an instant,
the atmosphere disappears,
as an unexpected meeting begins,
and keys open the door downstairs.

Solitude is broken,
and the strings are re-fastened.

Sad though it is
to lose such a window,
one must simply accept the situation –
resigned to the fate
of life
which must go on;
and be grateful
for what’s been given;
hoping for more
in days and weeks to come.

~~~~

I wrote this in June 2020, three months into our Coronavirus-enforced lockdown, when I experienced rare moments of being utterly alone in the middle of a weekday morning. It didn’t last long, unfortunately, but those moments – however brief – were an escape from the physical and psychological congestion of the many weeks in which true privacy was almost non-existent.

Now – almost a year later – I’m far more used to the arrangement, made much easier by the kids being at school for half the day.

But I still feel the strain. The strain of home being a workplace. The strain of working hours bleeding into personal time, because I work longer hours to try to catch up for the interruptions which previously didn’t happen when I worked in an office. Don’t get me wrong…my ‘overtime’ work is probably nothing compared to many others. But I still feel it.

And I know I need to shift my mindset. I need to go easier on myself. Have clearly defined boundaries, and if something ends up taking away more work time than I expect, I have to let it go. The definition of a successful work day should hinge on productivity – not time.

And I need to get outside more often. I barely take walks in the daytime – which I used to be fairly good at long, long ago.

Balance. That’s what I need.

And some distance from everyone – physical, but especially virtual. Because the overload is creeping up on me again.

Here’s hoping…

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