slip-sliding away…..

Exactly 13 years ago, I wrote this post – which addressed a struggle I was experiencing at the time in terms of my full-time job not aligning with my real passions.

At the time, my dream was to get a full-time job doing the kind of writing I wanted to do. I was in my late twenties, with a new baby and a job which – to date – was the most mind-numbing of my career.

Fast forward to now, and I’m in my early forties, with two fast-growing kids, far more financial pressure (given the state of the world), and a job which is a lot more palatable, and in an environment I love (even though the subject matter still isn’t a passion).

And what I wanted to do back then – the precise type of writing – isn’t what fuels me anymore. I had a few years where I actually earned some good money on the side for that kind of writing, but my passion moved onto more creative writing – mostly poetry – which was always there, but never as prominent.

I suspect the switch happened in the process of putting together my first book, and ever since then, I’ve considered my writing a sort of shadow career: something I love to do, and do a lot of, but which doesn’t earn me money.

And I think about my career as it stands. Quite honestly, I’ve never had any career ambitions other than to be fulfilled in my work. I never aspired to climb any ladder or be in charge, or be considered an expert in my field. Titles mean nothing to me. It’s the fulfilment which was always my end goal.

And I realise I’ve been very privileged to be able to keep to that approach. My salary and life circumstances have never pushed me to really go after career advancement in the way that many others my age have because of the necessity of their situations.

But does it mean that I’m happy to just be ‘mediocre’ and ‘ambitionless’ – as others may see me? Well, in my job, people admire the level of work I do, so I don’t at all see myself as maintaining a merely ‘good-enough’ standard to get by.

There’s no “quiet quitting” from me. I try to do my job well, and I know that my employers and colleagues appreciate my performance.

But do I aspire to more in that job?

Well, last year, after a void of a few years, the position above mine – manager of our small team – was finally advertised. And my colleague and I both applied for it. It was the most intense period I’ve been through in my decade of this current job, and I honestly thought I had a shot. But in the end, I didn’t get it. And I knew, deep down, that my colleague was better suited. Because in terms of the work and management aspects, I reckon I could have done well. But the social aspect of it was a huge factor, and that’s always been a weakness for me.

So, I accepted that I wasn’t best suited for it and moved on. My plan was to develop myself professionally so that I could either enhance my freelance earning prospects (because I was still happy in my position, but extra income would help a lot), or maybe move on to a more lucrative position altogether (if the environment and offer was right).

And so, at the start of this year, I dipped back in to the academic world – registering for a postgrad diploma in my field. I knew it would be tough, given that I was attempting to fit in coursework, assignments, and exams alongside my full-time job and adult life (as opposed to most others doing the course, who were fresh graduates almost half my age, without the responsibilities I had).

But two days into it, after attending some (online) lectures and seeing the readings and assignments, I quickly realised that this just would not work – for two reasons:

1. The demands on my time and energy were far too big. I would run myself ragged if I were to do this for two or three years. (Baring in mind that I was extending my programme, while full-time students did it in a single year.) And the end result would be a qualification which didn’t guarantee me professional advancement.
   
2. The content itself was just far too academic and theoretical – which I remember being one of my gripes with university back when I did my undergrad degree. It feels like, in general, a university education gives you a prestigious qualification (depending on how elite your university is), and some domain knowledge, but not much practical preparation. You learn most of what you need in the real world by doing the actual work at your job. And being exposed to this world quickly reminded me of those shortcomings – which are all the more unreasonable nowadays because there are so many direct, practical ways of learning – such as MOOCs and short courses by specialised institutions. University education feels like an old world relic, and given my age and career stage, it made no sense to seek career enhancement in that world when there were so many great learning opportunities in alternative mediums.

And so, two days into my life as a part-time student, I decided to quit. And it felt wonderful. Not because I wanted the easy way out, but because I was relieved of a burden which I realised was completely impractical and unwarranted.

So, the plan was to then seek career enhancement in specialised short courses. Build an aggressive personal plan to boost my skills and knowledge, and level up in ways that would be impossible within the confines of a university curriculum.

And while I had the drive to move forward on that plan in the beginning, the obstacles came soon after, as I realised that courses I thought my employer would pay for would not be so freely financed.

I came to accept that, and honestly, I found that I was partly fooling myself by believing I could be so aggressive in my professional development, because – again – that work, while I enjoy it, is not my life’s passion.

And so, I found other courses – in the personal realm – which would benefit me far more. Which resonated much more with my spiritual and mental needs. And I’m trying to get through those, no matter how slow my progress.

It doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned the professional development route, though. I’m just going slower on that front. And I’m fine with that.

The reason these things are on my mind is a podcast I listened to today on the topic of embracing your imperfections. The host talks about how it’s ok to work a job you’re not in love with in order to pay your bills. But you have to admit to yourself that it’s not your life’s purpose, so you can treat it that way. So that you don’t go expecting emotional fulfilment in it.

He asserted that for those who don’t admit that their full-time job (which takes roughly a third of our lives) is incongruent with their purpose or passions, they don’t find fulfilment in the work, and then they fill up large parts of the rest of their time with entertainment and information overload to try to numb themselves from that disconnect.

So, if your job is not perfectly aligned with your purpose and passions, then treat it that way: don’t put all your hopes in the job bringing you fulfilment, because you won’t find the level of satisfaction you’re looking for.

Instead, do it to maintain a stable financial base for life, and outside of that, carve out time to do what you love – even if it doesn’t generate sufficient (or even any) income. This reminds me of Oprah Winfrey’s quote: “Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.”

And though maybe she meant that in the context of paying your dues first, before you can get to a position you want to, I think it can also apply to simply accepting your main job as a financial foundation upon which to build your passions in the time you can allocate to it.

But it’s also important to recognise that it’s very rare – if not impossible – to find a professional situation that is perfect. Because even if you work in a job that serves a purpose you believe in, you may still face organisational politics and other issues which bring your spirit down.

And if you end up with your passions as your full-time job, then your livelihood becomes dependent on you performing. Maybe you can handle that and even thrive. But there’s also a risk, because it puts pressure on you in the very thing you love. So, when your passion becomes the thing on which you depend for your livelihood, isn’t there a chance that the joy can be sucked out of it?

Point being, for the vast majority of us, nothing is ever going to be perfect.

So, to me, I find it perfectly acceptable to stay in a career which pays the bills – as long as it’s palatable (if not enjoyable) – but then pursue your passions as a shadow career. Find fulfilment in your passions and interests outside of your stable income-generating job.

There are other models, of course. For example, my previous boss left to start her own business – a passion project, but now does that in addition to work in the industry she used to work in – because I assume that the latter provides a more stable income than the former. And that’s fine, too, because it gives her balance.

A current colleague of mine maintains her current job as the stable income but does amazing artwork on the side, which brings her immense fulfilment and acclaim. And I can see her eventually moving into that as the occupation which takes more of her time, but probably also still maintaining another type of career for steady income

Anyway…these are just the things I’m pondering from where I am right now. Maybe the wiser and more experienced among you can advise me otherwise.

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