slip-sliding away…..

Spring is upon us here in the Southern hemisphere, though it feels like it actually started in July already. Our Winter – usually my favourite season – was woefully short. It didn’t matter, though, because all through that season – and this year – I’ve had this shadow attached to me. A constant, simmering stress, which flared up now and then when bigger-than-normal problems have arisen.

I think the biggest of those concerns has been recurring health issues I’ve had since February. I have still been able to function as normal, but there has been – at times – extreme discomfort, pain, and frustration because it’s just been one thing after another – all in the same area.

I had surgery last week – which the doc believed would resolve the issue. And having the last 10 days off for recovery has been a mixture of hope and anxiety. The pain hasn’t been strong for long periods, but I think my mind has been jumping to conclusions a lot. When I’ve felt the same symptoms again, as well as other related symptoms from previous issues, I’ve gone into a spiral of wondering whether the surgery was ineffective, and whether I now face a game of medical trial and error. An expensive game, which I simply cannot afford.

But at the same time, just having the time off work, has been immensely helpful – psychologically. I believe that recovery time cannot be just physical, but equally – maybe even more – mental. The lack of pressure has given my mind and heart the breathing space I’ve lacked for this whole year. Having the mornings alone – to do my treatments, rest, write, and read (I’ve read a lot over this period) – has been beautiful.

I imagine it’s a sort of preview of retirement: having all this free time, solitude, and also physical ailments. Pain and limitations are the prices we pay for such freedom, right?

I’ve even made some plans for how I’ll spend that time – still over 20 years in the future – if I live to see it.

The weather outside has played a big part in my feeling like the fog has lifted. Spring has come with this air of lightness. That’s the best way to describe it: lightness. Because the sunshine is actually warm (unlike the muted light of recent weeks), but not overbearing. The air feels breezy and free. The flowers are back (though I don’t see them much, since we’ve lost our greenery in this home). The cats are up to their mating season shenanigans.

It’s a time of renewal. And for me, recovering from this operation, it feels like perfect timing.

It hasn’t been all freedom and happiness, mind you. Aside from the physical challenges, we’ve been going through some difficult trials which could still bring enormous stress. And there’s been the constant life admin – exacerbated by hospital bills which I’m not looking forward to dealing with.

But, prior to this time off, such challenges would have put me in a tizz. I would have felt – like I did so many times this year – overwhelmed by it all. Like everything is happening all at once, and I can’t deal. Like I want to just run as far away from everything as possible.

Of course, that’s never the solution. But the pressure has been intense in such times.

And now, even though these things are coming at the same time, the time away from work and (some of) life’s normal routines has given me the inner space I need to feel grounded. So I don’t see each challenge as urgent. As an emergency that I need to deal with immediately.

It’s a wonderful perspective. Something I need to take forward with me as I head back into normal, working life again from next week.

I don’t know if I’ll manage to do it, but I want to try. And I guess that’s why I’m putting it down here: as a reminder to myself. (Like much of my blog posts have been over the many years I’ve been doing this.)

Anyway…that’s all I have right now. It’s been a lean year in terms of writing (well, public writing, at least), but hopefully, this season shift and renewal will usher in the flow of the inner magic which drives this very precious – but neglected – part of my life.

Until next time – whenever that is – thanks for reading 😊.